Happy New Year!

Time has flown by! In a couple weeks, I have my final TCH+p treatment. I've survived 5 already. I feel like I've been so busy these past couple months. Sam graduated college which was so wonderful to see. He's worked so hard these past 5 years and it was great to see him accomplish that. We had a celebratory ugly sweater party for him. It was a blast. I was definitely EXTRA excited about the holidays this year. I was just so happy to be able to spend them with both our families this year. Plus, it gave me something exciting to focus on outside of all the cancer-bullshit and gave me something to look forward to. It was a wonderful holiday season, except my dog eating the Christmas presents...twice...and lightbulbs.

My chemo side-effects are tolerable. I still deal with nausea, heartburn that fucks my world up and shoot-out-my-nose bleeds. The nosebleeds are really fun when they randomly happen at my desk and make my cubicle look like a crime scene in seconds. Each time I get these bleeds, they check my platelets and clotting-abilities and it all checks out ok. But it turns out Perjeta can cause nosebleeds in 10% of patients, so of course I fall into that percentile. I also have ugly marks on my arms and new ones show up each round of chemo on the arm where the IV was. I was hoping they would go away but the Doctor said they won't because the vein under the skin in damaged. It looks like I spend my free time burning myself for fun. Like I really have time for another hobby. Overall, I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And I really just want to feel like myself again. It's really the hardest part of the journey. It's a test for your self-esteem and I just can't pass everyday. The steroids and drugs make me feel a balloon and they mess with my skin. I miss being able to do my hair, despite a lifetime of complaining about it. I miss not having to draw on my eyebrows or overcompensate with make-up. I miss just feeling pretty. Or normal. Or feel like people weren't just talking about me when I enter a room. But when all this is over, I'll miss being able to wear sweats in public on a regular basis. No one will tell you it's socially unacceptable when you have cancer.

So far, this journey has taught me a lot. Everyone said, when you're diagnosed, you find out who your 'real' friends are. I honestly thought nothing would change. SO MANY people stepped up for me when I was diagnosed and through surgery. But then it happened. I found out there were different types of people. There are people who are there and stay there. There are people who I've lost touch with in the past, but showed up for me. I am blessed with many of both those types of people. But then there are those who say they'll be there and they're not. The people I would've put money on sticking around, and lost. And those have been very difficult for me. And then there's my favorite type of people. Those who didn't care about me before, even weren't nice to me before, but suddenly care now that I have cancer. They come out of the woodwork to 'be there' for the cancer girl because it looks good and makes them feel good about themselves. And unfortunately, it turns out I know a few of those people as well. But lucky for me, I'm surrounded by too many good people to need the disingenuous. And now I'm blessed with a new friend. One who I can relate so much to because we're going through the same struggles. Fighting the same battles. We can connect over things most people don't really understand. She's wonderful and strong and supportive. She lifts me up when I need it. It's fun to go to dinner with her and just pretend we're normal people. She has a tough surgery coming up and I hope I can be there for her the way she's been there for me and a few months from now we can celebrate getting through this together!

I have my radiation consultation next week and I'm interested to see how that will go. And my first Herceptin-only appointment is scheduled so that's a nice one to look forward to as it gets easier going forward for the remainder of the "year". Again, I just want to thank everyone for all the support I receive. I try to reach out and keep in touch but I'll be honest, chemo-brain is a real thing and I'm lucky if I know what day it is. But I'm SO thankful for everything and to have such an amazing support system. THANK YOU.