I have to shave again?

I can't believe it's been over 8 months since my diagnosis. Time has really flown by. But this is the time in life that you want to fly by. Not your engagement or when your child is born- it's the chemo and radiation and doctors appointments. Radiation was a breeze. It's just more disruptive then anything. Going to the doctor every freaking day gets really freaking old. But there is a terrible side to chemo being over. I have to shave again. Whhhhaaaat. That's unfortunate. But my eyebrows are coming back in which is a nice treat. It's saving me approximately 76 days over the rest of my life not having to draw those bad boys on anymore. The worst part was when I would get stressed and put my hands on my face and pull my hands away from my face and there's EYEBROW left on my fingers. Or it would smear an eyebrow up and I would look like Rachel Dratch's character from Just Go With It and look perplexed for the rest of the day. I won't miss that. But I will miss effortless nair-smooth legs. I lost my eyelashes towards the end of radiation. A good 2 months after my final chemo. It was a surprise but not as traumatic as losing eyebrows. Losing eyebrows makes you look like sick person. And I wasn't sick. But now what? I just pretend I'm a normal person again? My friend told me that after treatment is when some people really struggle. When the anxiety really kicks in. Because you're no longer actively in treatment to kill cancer. And every lump and bump and every pain scares you. I'm hoping since I'm on IV Herceptin until October, that it will help with the transition out of treatment. Well that and I don't really feel like I have the energy to stress that much. Or the desire to spend any additional time in a doctor's office.

The doctors say it will take a while for my energy to return. I have less energy now then I did during chemo. I spent a lot of time on the treadmill during chemo but I just tried some cardio the other day and it felt like death. And I literally could've been lapped by one of those elderly mall-walkers. They also said the Herceptin can cause fatigue but I flat. out. refuse. to accept that something I'll be on for a year can make me this fatigued. That makes me a little stabby. And then there is my arch-enemy. Tamoxifen. Accepting this fate has been my biggest struggle. My oncologist scheduled several appointments with me just to talk about Tamoxifen because he knew I needed some coaxing. I don't like taking any kind of medication, let alone something I have to take for 10 YEARS. What a complete mind-fuck that is. They used to say 2 years. Then it was 5. Now its 10. Especially for someone my age. I get that it's important for survival, but I'm also concerned about my quality of life as my understanding is that I'm not on my way out. I heard it can come with a lot of side effects, but must be, for the most part, pretty damn tolerable considering everyone and their mom is on it. Although I did hear hair thinning is a possibility. And you must know how that could make me crazy. But I don't really want to know much about it. My Onc offered me the drug fact sheet and I didn't want it. I feel like so many people research drugs and their side effects and then they're constantly scanning their body to see if they're experiencing any of those side effects. I think a lot of it is created in the mind. I just don't get down like that. I don't want to know. We just decided I would let the Dr. know if I was having problems and we'd go from there. Although I'm more the type of person that would stop a medication on my own if I was having problems with it. Or even if I wasn't having problems. Sometimes I just don't feel like taking it anymore. Which is probably why my Dr. said he would be checking my refills because he's scared he'll get in the computer one day and find I haven't refilled my Tamoxifen in a year. He's onto me. Although he did say if I forget it for a day...or several it's no big deal. I know what I'm NOT packing for vacation! I just figured if you miss a day, you just take 2 the next day. That's how birth control works, right?

My family threw a big party when I finished radiation. The tough part was over. And it was so overwhelming to see how many people showed up to celebrate with me. Even family flew into town to surprise me for the home stretch of treatment and for the party. I could relish in that time forever. The people I'm surrounded by are so amazing. They've really picked my up these last 8 months. I hope I never have to repay the favor. I don't think I'm strong enough to be on the other side.

My badass uncle is participating in The Pan-Mass Challenge to raise money for life-saving cancer research and treatment at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute through an annual bike-a-thon that crosses the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Please click here to donate to this cause! THE PMC DONATES 100% OF EVERY RIDER-RAISED DOLLAR TO DANA-FARBER CANCER INSTITUTE THROUGH ITS JIMMY FUND.

Happy New Year!

Time has flown by! In a couple weeks, I have my final TCH+p treatment. I've survived 5 already. I feel like I've been so busy these past couple months. Sam graduated college which was so wonderful to see. He's worked so hard these past 5 years and it was great to see him accomplish that. We had a celebratory ugly sweater party for him. It was a blast. I was definitely EXTRA excited about the holidays this year. I was just so happy to be able to spend them with both our families this year. Plus, it gave me something exciting to focus on outside of all the cancer-bullshit and gave me something to look forward to. It was a wonderful holiday season, except my dog eating the Christmas presents...twice...and lightbulbs.

My chemo side-effects are tolerable. I still deal with nausea, heartburn that fucks my world up and shoot-out-my-nose bleeds. The nosebleeds are really fun when they randomly happen at my desk and make my cubicle look like a crime scene in seconds. Each time I get these bleeds, they check my platelets and clotting-abilities and it all checks out ok. But it turns out Perjeta can cause nosebleeds in 10% of patients, so of course I fall into that percentile. I also have ugly marks on my arms and new ones show up each round of chemo on the arm where the IV was. I was hoping they would go away but the Doctor said they won't because the vein under the skin in damaged. It looks like I spend my free time burning myself for fun. Like I really have time for another hobby. Overall, I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And I really just want to feel like myself again. It's really the hardest part of the journey. It's a test for your self-esteem and I just can't pass everyday. The steroids and drugs make me feel a balloon and they mess with my skin. I miss being able to do my hair, despite a lifetime of complaining about it. I miss not having to draw on my eyebrows or overcompensate with make-up. I miss just feeling pretty. Or normal. Or feel like people weren't just talking about me when I enter a room. But when all this is over, I'll miss being able to wear sweats in public on a regular basis. No one will tell you it's socially unacceptable when you have cancer.

So far, this journey has taught me a lot. Everyone said, when you're diagnosed, you find out who your 'real' friends are. I honestly thought nothing would change. SO MANY people stepped up for me when I was diagnosed and through surgery. But then it happened. I found out there were different types of people. There are people who are there and stay there. There are people who I've lost touch with in the past, but showed up for me. I am blessed with many of both those types of people. But then there are those who say they'll be there and they're not. The people I would've put money on sticking around, and lost. And those have been very difficult for me. And then there's my favorite type of people. Those who didn't care about me before, even weren't nice to me before, but suddenly care now that I have cancer. They come out of the woodwork to 'be there' for the cancer girl because it looks good and makes them feel good about themselves. And unfortunately, it turns out I know a few of those people as well. But lucky for me, I'm surrounded by too many good people to need the disingenuous. And now I'm blessed with a new friend. One who I can relate so much to because we're going through the same struggles. Fighting the same battles. We can connect over things most people don't really understand. She's wonderful and strong and supportive. She lifts me up when I need it. It's fun to go to dinner with her and just pretend we're normal people. She has a tough surgery coming up and I hope I can be there for her the way she's been there for me and a few months from now we can celebrate getting through this together!

I have my radiation consultation next week and I'm interested to see how that will go. And my first Herceptin-only appointment is scheduled so that's a nice one to look forward to as it gets easier going forward for the remainder of the "year". Again, I just want to thank everyone for all the support I receive. I try to reach out and keep in touch but I'll be honest, chemo-brain is a real thing and I'm lucky if I know what day it is. But I'm SO thankful for everything and to have such an amazing support system. THANK YOU.